Burn out? Part 2

What does it feel like to understand that one is operating under the influence of irrational fear? My personal experience is the almost predictable. I do not always experience anxiety/fear. Understand that I think that calling something like this an 'anxiety' issue is a bit of an understatement.

Anxiety

1.	distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune: He felt anxiety about the possible loss of his job.

2.	earnest but tense desire; eagerness: He had a keen anxiety to succeed in his work.

3.	Psychiatry. a state of apprehension and psychic tension occurring in some forms of mental disorder.

Fear

1.	a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

2.	a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights.

3.	concern or anxiety; solicitude: a fear for someone's safety.

4.	reverential awe, esp. toward God.

5.	that which causes a feeling of being afraid; that of which a person is afraid: Cancer is a common fear.

We have a winner

Terror

1.	intense, sharp, overmastering fear: to be frantic with terror.

2.	an instance or cause of intense fear or anxiety; quality of causing terror: to be a terror to evildoers.

This is the one I feel. FEEL. The sensation is an escalating one. It starts with a simple "I'm too tired to go to work*yawn*. Progresses to "damn am I gonna vomit, do I have a fever? Where is the thermometer?". This progresses to an iff then situation, if I happen to think that i can get away with a sick call. as in if I have not pulled it off in a while I'll cal in. explain I am ill and stay home. This sis starting to get complex. I literally have to voices in my mind when this is going down. the alternate path is: wake up its time for work "man I need this money." "you aren't sick you know it, your just wussing out, your stomach is fine you don't have a fever that's why you don't grab a thermometer." "Stop! Put the damn phone down its gonna be fine just walk through the door and start your day you'll be fine." ( If I manage to push through and make it to work) " Bout damn time no just go in here and get through the first half hour." (If I pick up the phone) "God damn it Jason. *Amanda's voice: damn it Jason* Said in that tone of voice that conveys the ultimate disappointment. It's a tone of voice that I do not think any wife would ever have to create. Its a tone of voice that has it's own personal emotional response. I hear her say that and my hear skips a beat my breath gets short and my eyes find my feet, or what ever obstacle lies between. I feel a faint flush of adrenaline as the desire to get away sets in.

Sometimes I do not pick up the phone. Sometimes I get in the car and I drive. Sometimes I drive to the hospital and stay in the car and consider the terror that keeps the engine running. I think "what could go wrong, its fine you do well once you get in there" and I also think "get the fuck out of here. You can't do this. this it too much. Jason Leave!"

If I go in I am shaky for about 20 minutes which is fine. The morning is the quietest time. People are still asleep trying to push through the fog of traffic (see war) and bring themselves from there reverie and into the here and now. I am not so out of place to anyone else that might observe a guy that looks/feels slightly out of place. After this odd period of time I meet my patients and I forget that I ever felt that way. I push into and through the obstacles of functioning properly as a nurse and get the job done. I receive complements I connect spiritually and importantly as an advocate for the ill. I crack jokes I receive respect from Doctors. I trend information and function with the critical thinking developed after 8 years of nursing.

Other times I drive around the parking lot for about an hour maybe longer I realize that I can't do it or that I won't be able to force my body to respond to the logical side of my mind and I call in and create whatever story I think will fly. understand that I have gone through about a dozen different scenarios concerning half a dozen different excuses and have sorted through which of them would be the best in response to who it is I need to speak to. The response is fight or flight in the creation of these excuses I am able to appease both. I fight to make the stories fit to facilitate the flight. I often find a way to not go into work and the relief is nothing compared to the disgust. It's like being mugged. My money for that day has just been stolen by the trader that operated my body.

I have done this for years. I have lost jobs I have been denied employment, I have damn near reached bankruptcy. I need to set an appointment this week.